“Either you give us your ‘larger
goal’ in life or comply with what we are saying and get married before Akshya
Tritia next year” said one well-wisher relative. He also hinted that the fear
of a failed marriage shouldn’t deter me. “After all, in any circumstance, Karm
cannot be renunciated. All you have is the right to perform Karma. You do not
have any right over the outcome. Krishn says to Arjun - हतो वा
प्राप्स्यसि स्वर्गं जित्वा वा भोक्ष्यसे महीम्“
– the hints were quite clear.
Despite my deteriorating oratory-skills,
I feel, I still have sufficient capacity to defend myself. But the precondition
of not telling the truth made me weak. My Mom, who was also present there, though
knows the real reason behind my decision of not marry a girl, naturally took
the side which seems more logical to her and joined in the chorus.
Since I was repeatedly demanded some
concrete answers, I had to take the refuge of “freedom to follow individual’s
intrinsic nature” and in support mentioned that Krishn also said in Gita - स्वभावनियतं कर्म कुर्वन्नाप्नोति किल्बिषम्
(He who does the duty ordained by his own nature incurs no sin), to which the
counter-question came – what is the true nature of an individual? When I
remained silent, he himself answered – “Anything for which an individual doesn’t
have to actively try is the true nature. Eating, Sleeping, Associating with
Someone, Giving Birth to Offspring – these are the true nature which every
individual has and must follow, unless there is some LARGER GOAL.”
The conversation ended abruptly
when the phone rang a few times and then he had to leave. But in my mind, I was
thinking how close he came to saying what was there in my mind...! I do not have
to actively try to persuade my mind to like other men (on the other hand, I
cannot like women even if I try really hard). I want to be associated with a
guy who I can call my own (and by being his own). I want to have a family with
such a guy, if not possible biologically, then by adoption. I want to raise our
babies together. This is my intrinsic nature! And I should have a right to
follow it. And in case, people don’t want to understand it, then at least they
should understand the LARGER GOAL behind not marrying a girl, which is – I do
not want to be the reason of any other person’s pain, complaints, griefs!!
Believe me (and I hope you would, naturally!), living alone having lots of
uncertainties is something no individual wants. And in case someone is doing so,
knowing well the consequences it involves, is like making a sacrifice! A
sacrifice in everyone’s interest.
I do not know whether he would
have understood if I had spoken all this, but my heart wants to believe that he
would understand. But I still feel vulnerable and don’t want to really add one
more problem in my kitty which is already overflowing presently. Therefore, appearing
like a fool by remaining silent is the better option – at present.
